Friday, May 1, 2015

01-May-2015 : The Second Separation

I'm being haunted by thoughts. She left me alone. This room won't be this clean if she is there. It won't be this silent. The bed won't be empty. And I won't have time to do all damn things.

She left again yesterday night. As usual with a smile. I can't read her mind from her face. She is not expressive at me, this is my great struggle I'm conquering everyday expecting it will change one day. She'll start believing me and start loving me.

I was planning for long time to record this time of my life. It may not be worth. This relationship may not be fruitful. But I'm mixed with feeling in past three months. Or at least it will give me a relief of sharing my pardon.

Yesterday it was a very simple conversation about my family and their expectation about my bride's and family. To be frank everything else is not worth considering for them as the far most important thing is lost. The very first expectation will be the caste like every other family in India. As that itself is broken they are not going to see anything else.

I was simply playing with her that her father is not in a good position and their family is not equal to mine. Laughingly she said, "Oh! then I'll find someone who doesn't think bad about my family". I said, "ok".

She : "Come drop me in PG"

Me : "Ok. Anytime" with a fear in mind. But still believing it couldn't be true.

She: "Start immediately. We'll do it before we change our mind"

Me : "okey. pack your things". I couldn't give up my pride before her.

We started. She had her luggage bag, shoes in a cover. I was hopeful in every corner that she'll say turn back to home. But as the distance grows I started losing my confidence and fear started catching up. In between we were struck in traffic and rain drizzles started. I couldn't show my fear and pretending like enjoying the rain. I was little happy that the traffic would buy me some more time to spend with her.

The traffic got cleared but the rain didn't stop yet. Though we were fully drenched, I asked her shall we wait somewhere to the rain to stop. So I can have some additional time and that may start a conversation about returning to flat. Didn't workout and dropped her in Kundalahalli signal. I purposefully didn't drop her in PG but dropped her in the road itself expecting she might call me for the walk to PG.

She is so firm simply said bye with a smile. Every part of my mind fears it might be a good bye. My pride didn't show that in my words. My face might showed it and she might enjoyed. I called her back and asked her to give me company for a cigarette (shameless). She didn't agree. Luckily she asked me for the walk if she would give company. My ego came out. And I said good bye.

After reaching back flat the first thing I looked for was the Kolusu. It was there. Again she didn't take that with her that made me disappointed. I made milkshake for myself. Read some three chapters of 'My experiments with truth' and slept off.

In morning my hand moved itself and tried to grope her breast. The moment I woke up like waking up from a nightmare. I realized she was in PG. I wanted to sleep more as I want to make this day shorter. I didn't get a single bit of sleep. If I close my eyes I saw her face. When I open the room is full of her remaining. Her bed-spread, pillow cover, her hairs on the floor. Her dress in wardrobe. Her charger. And me

I woke and started reading 'my experiments with truth'. Gandhi was telling about his very first experience of lust from another woman. I tried to put surpass my thoughts and put interest in the book. I couldn't. Went out for a smoke. Bought milk, prepared boost and had cigarette with it. I had no mood of having breakfast so didn't prepare.

Then started writing this. Siva called me saying that She wants to play Table Tennis and asked me to pick-up her. First I was thinking that he was just fooling me as she had office that day. Also I didn't want to show anything to him. I told him if she really wanted to play, ask her to call me. In 2 mins she called me and asked me to pick her up from office.

I went her office. She was waiting for me at ground floor. She was wearing one green shining chudithar. It was a very old fashion but suited very well for her. I didn't mention anything about that. I gave my small bag having Kindle to her and she took the pillion.

She kept the bag between us and didn't rest on me. She was doing it purposefully to poke me. I knew it. And she also knew that I knew it. My ego didn't allow me to bend to her once again. I rode fast and scary to maintain concentration on the road. I could feel that she couldn't resist touching me. She held my shoulder. Took of her hand in hesitation. And again kept in urge. A couple of times she came very near pretending as asking something and touched me with her bosoms.

Our office securities didn't allowed as on holidays visitors are not allowed. So we sat at the entrance stairs. I wanted to leave the place as soon as possible. Actually I wanted to take her to flat and have lunch with her. But when Siva was there I couldn't ask her. So I tried to leave early and on the way I could ask her. She didn't understand my intention and Siva didn't want to leave as he had nothing to do in home.

I said I wanted to leave. But they kept my key and didn't give. I started walking to flat. I crossed half of the distance then Siva came with my bike. I dropped him in office and took her to office. While coming back I had two cups of Kambankoozl thats my lunch or might be the food for entire day if she doesn't come in the evening.

After reaching flat, it flashed in my thoughts. Why I'm waiting for her signal? Why I'm not simply taking her with me? Why I'm always asking her decision? Probably she might be expecting the same from me. She might be expecting me to be bold and tell her that I'll be there for her. Why I'm not doing that? Because I'm not ready for the relationship. I'm still half-minded. I'm still worrying about or afraid of my family. But when she is not there everything else looks nothing.